Hi, I’m Jessica. I’m the girl that tries to open locked doors. I’m the girl that talks to herself not caring if anyone’s looking. I’m the weirdest person you will ever meet – true story. I’m the girl with bipolar 1. I also have problems with anxiety. (My blog)
I thought I would give you a glimpse of the crazy. Let me stress this very important fact; I have bipolar 1 but I am NOT crazy. IT is crazy; therefore I call IT the crazy. I will never be crazy. I hate when people use that word its old and antiquated and very demeaning. I suffer from a mental illness, I am not my illness.
Anyways, I thought I would give a glimpse of a bad day of living with the crazy. Why? Cause…well, I can.
Walking through Walmart the other day, I started to feel the heart start to flutter. A telltale sign I’m getting close to an anxiety attack. I said a quick prayer and kept pushing on. We moms, have to keep pushing on. Then I notice him – a man. Long hair, overcoat, sneer; he’s coming for us. I try to remain calm.
I continue to push the cart with my children along when the crazy pushes its head in through the door of my brain. “That guy is staring at my kids! He’s gonna take ‘em. I gotta get out of here. Breathing techniques start.
“Wait…were those people laughing at our clothes? Are they talking about me? They are talking about me and…….” My fists tighten on the shopping cart as I am starting to not to handle the overflow of thoughts; and boy do the thoughts come. Like a huge tidal wave of crazy. One by one, the thoughts feel like a ton of weight upon me. I slow my step; I knew if I let the crazy win, bad would happen. So I start praying and doing my breathing.
“Go ahead chubby girl, run out of here. Get out before people try to take my children away because I know they can keep up with me. You better start screaming out. Make them afraid of you, so you can get out of there faster.”
Then, I started to shake. I grasped the handle of the shopping cart even tighter – the cart holding my two precious babies.
All I want to do is scream and run around like a mad woman – hitting my head over and over, until I bled, until the pain in my heart stopped. Why? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know. But what I do know is I prayed really hard. Well, not a regular prayer. In my head I screamed out the name of Jesus over and over, until the panic subsided. Then? We walked out of the door and no one was the wiser.
That is not a normal day for me. That? That is when the crazy tries to take over.
I am so grateful I have Jesus on my side. Am I saying He is the only way to get over this? Nope. Cause I am taking my medicine, but He helps.