I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17. At that time, I went three days without sleep and was doing bizarre things so my parents brought me to the ER.
I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for about 3 months off and on. I don’t remember a lot of things during that time. However, I know that I was very confused and disoriented. Some of that could have been the medications I was taking, including Haldol. I would go into other people’s rooms thinking they were mine, believed that I was Jesus, had an abnormal belief in God, said hurtful things to the people I loved, and the list goes on. It was very hard being in high school and knowing people at school knew I was “crazy.”
Since that first hospitalization, I have been admitted to a psychiatric hospital in excess of 20 times. The most recent time was about 4 months ago and I stayed for ten days. ( This was written in August of 2012) It is a constant battle. My case is complicated because I am so sensitive to the meds and we have to watch that I don’t react to anything new. I suffered from tardive dyskenisia (involuntary movement of tongue and head) and dystonia (my head was “attached” to my chest for 4 months).
I used to try and hide that I had this illness. Many of the things I have done I am ashamed of. However, I have learned to put them in the past and have just had to realize those things I would not have done if I was stable. I am sharing things here that I don’t tell just anyone.
List (not in any sort of order) of thing I have done.
I got off the bus with a guy I had just met and travelled around together using my parent’s credit card. The FBI was looking for me as there were sex rings at the time where my family knew where I had gotten off the bus.
Written letters to many people I regret.
Telling my church and others that I was running for President of the United States
Thinking I was John the Baptist or Jesus
Spending thousands of dollars I did not have
Travelling around with a guy friend who totally took advantage of me spending all my money- Family encouraged now ex- guy friend to stop, but he totally took advantage of my manic state.
not slept for several days in a row
become very religious and done things I normally wouldn’t do because I thought God was telling me to do them
hurt my family and friends by saying hurtful things (poor judgement) This is the thing I regret the most. I am very lucky to have a family who for the most part really supports me and loves me unconditionally.
I have done my testimony three different times revealing things I probably wouldn’t have if I was not manic
While in the hospital, I get myself into trouble sometimes because I fight for what is right. I have been mistreated so many times and have seen other patients mistreated as well. I fight for what is right. Oftentimes, staff members do things that go against the Patient’s Bill of Rights.
I called Hillary Clinton and left a message that I wanted to be the first female President of the U.S. (This was when she was running for President.) From a young age, I felt like God wanted me to be so I told her that in the message I left.
I have turned many people off because I talk too much and too quickly
I, unfortunately, have burned a lot of bridges over the years. I have come to the realization that it is not fair for anyone to go thru what I put them thru. However, I do have some great friends who always are there to support me. A lot of the other friendships that were lost was mainly because I was too embarrassed from things I had done. Yes, some left because they couldn’t handle my illness. However, I think mostly, it was me.
The list goes on, but that is enough for now. Thanks for reading this. If you would like to share your story or talk about the crazy things you have done while manic, please email me at bipolarbandit@gmaill.com It can be anonymous. To see examples of how others have shared their stories, search for “guest post” or “feature story” on my blog.
The struggle with my mania and depression continues daily. I currently have a great doctor and still have a very supportive family. These things help a lot. However, there are still days when I just think, “Why me?” or “I hate my life.” That is the unfortunate thing about this illness. The depression following a manic episode can be wicked depending on how long I was manic, etc.
If you are struggling with mania or depression, I hope that you continue to fight the fight!!
Bipolar Bandit (Michelle Clark) 
Thank you for sharing this. It relaxes me to know others have the same delusions and occurrences as I do. I thought I was Jesus reincarnate as a woman, in his lineage, and destined to be president. Even the people in the hospital thought I was crazy, imagine that! I tend to be impulsive and irrational and a huge risk taker without even realizing it is wrong. I don’t know if that is a manic state or not. I do things that distance people. Have lost more friends than I can count (and even a husband and serious boyfriend) because they couldn’t handle this illness. That can be so devastating. All the best to you, my friend.
Thanks for sharing all of this. Would you be interested in writing your story for me to share? On my FB/Twitter I have what is called Feature Friday. I would put your story in wordpress and then share it.
If you are interested,please see this blog. “Suggestions: Feature Story by a Person with a Mental Illness” http://wp.me/p2Ge94-4C
I really appreciate you sharing as it makes me feel like I am not alone, also. People, like you, encourage me to keep writing blogs and sharing things on social media. Thanks
I would love to share my story. Is there an email address I should send it to? Thanks!
I am sorry that I overlooked this before. You can send your story to mickey3333nc@gmail.com I don’t really check the email address attached to this blog anymore. If you would rather, you can send it via Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/bipolarbandit
Thank you for sharing your story. I found this through the NAMI web page. My story is there as well. I read it to my daughter who is 17. She was very touched to hear such honesty and to know she’s not alone. She has been hospitalized twice in the past year and seems to be stable right now. I also have many family members with mental illness. They are the most kind hearted people I know and would give the shirts off their backs to help others, that is why I have tried for years to be there for them with their struggles. I have learned through the years that when they are in a different state of mind their words and actions are not how they really feel. I am on a mission to get into the mental health field and hopefully make some type of change. Thank you again. This is what we need: people being open and honest about mental illness so that we can hopefully take away the stigma that exists.
Thanks for your encouraging words. That is great that you are thinking about going into the mental health field. My mother, when I was 17, went into psychiatric nursing to learn more about my illness.
I Wrote This To-Do List While Manic:
1. Watch sunrise while transferring this list to stationery.
2.Stop and smell roses. If there are bugs all over them like yesterday, buy and administer a remedy. These flowers are living things, and deserve to be nurtured. Stop neglecting and start respecting.
2. Conquer every obstacle with reflexes of cat.
3. Wear lipstick, use white strips, and wash underwear. blow job in a semi-public place. Take bubble bath, buy scented lotion and apply liberally. (remember broke, so dollar tree lotion only)
4. Create color coded filing system for auto maintenance schedule,
4. Stretch out on lawn.
5. Continue to research swimming the English Channel.
6.Design that quirky shelf of reclaimed wood. Take a picture of it, delight friends.
7. Run through sprinklers.
8. Make zucchini fries.
9. Buy another cookbook from Hope Chest and hire overpriced seamstress to design curtains for every room of house, secretly observe her plans and methods like an apprentice, then surprise her by going rogue and sewing some myself. Go into business with her. Sell curtains on ebay. My abilities are endless. I can sew curtains. Buy a sewing machine on craigslist. Go to Joann’s fabric store and show them who’s boss. They’re dealing with one bad ass motherfucker!!!!
10. Write a song meant to feature banjo. Then post on YouTube seeking banjo player. Avoid smoking so as to dazzle him with vocals. He shall look like a caramel-colored cowboy with a perfect ass. Brush up against him suggestively, but don’t cheat.
11. Follow through on fasting diet because you are a winner. You are going to be really hot, so everyone should get ready for this. Buy new turquoise bracelets and artfully reduce retro 70’s bush to the size of a tiny postage stamp. Do squats and lunges. Try to always smell like coconut.
12. Find sues mo3 player. In closet? Don’t let her down. she’s expecting you to come through. Add Badfinger and Wildflower if time permits. If not she’ll understand.,
13. Clean house from top to bottom.
14. Band practice
15. Only ingest water and other liquids. You’re not fat. You’re actually sexy and have boobs now. Don’t you forget it. You will be very hot.
17. Gymnastics goal #1: front handspring.
18. Celebrate new body that looks like it was sculpted by a gifted artist. Plan visit to nude beach. Don’t be shy! You look exquisite! Burn bras!
16. biwinning! They’re just jealous!
These tips are great. If you would like to share them on my blog as a Guest Blogger, let me know. The best way to contact me is through FB. https://www.facebook.com/michelle.lh.735 (Michelle Hughes) if you are interested.
Thank you so much for writing this article! I just googled “ashamed of the things i’ve done while manic” and ended up here. I found this very encouraging as I get flashbacks of the crazy/heartless things I did during manic episodes and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this. Stay strong love, I know what you’re going through.
Thank you for your encouragement. I wish you great strength too.
I found this by googling “why am I a heartless maniac”. Glad I found it.
Thanks for sharing your story! It helps every single person who comes across your writing. 🙂 XO
Thanks for your encouraging words! 🙂
Hi…My name is Charity and I am 29.I myself am not bipolar but your story still hits close to home to me because as far as I can remember I have heard that my dad was “sick” and on numerous occasions growing up seen my dad do and say some awful things to my mother and other close family members.And in turn remember on several occasions going to visit my dad in which I now understand was the mental institution.
Of course I didn’t understand fully what was going on and often times blamed my mother because I thought she was maliciously keeping us away from my dad.I now understand her concerns as I too have now been the recipient of his rage and anger filled episodes and am more aware of just how dangerous he can potentially be at times.
I’ve grew to understand that the things he does and says while having these maniac episodes are often beyond his controll and therefore try my best to not take it personally and let it hurt my feelings.I love my dad beyond measure and will never turn my back on him despite the anger his sickness sometimes provokes me to feel.
As of a week ago myself and my family noticed my dad was experiencing another maniac episode and due to his “bizzare” behaviors he is again hospitalized.
I woke up this morning feeling defeated and asking myself “Why my dad has ro go through this?”and felt compelled to learn more about the symtoms of this illness and to see what others had to say about their experiences.I stumbled upon this website and your story hit home for me and I thought if not for any other reason sharing my thoughts may be therapeutic for me.
I thank you for sharing your story and for this outlet for others to be able to share theirs!
Thanks for your encouraging words and your story about your dad. Sometimes as the person who has the mental illness it is hard sometimes think about how you are making someone else feel. It is afterwards that you do and feel awful.
Your courage and honesty are an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your truths.
🙂
Thanks for your encouraging words.
All of these stories have been such an inspiration however I find it difficult to come to terms (admit) everything I have done during my manic episodes. There is still a lot of shame and guilt. Any advise for someone in my situation to overcome?
It just takes time. Remember it is part of your illness and that you would not have done those things if you were not sick.
Please take the time to read another blog of mine where not only me, but others who suffer from bipolar disorder share some answers to your questions. How Do People with Bipolar Disorder Deal with Things They’ve Done While in a Manic Episode? http://wp.me/p2Ge94-7K
My recent manic episode went something like this. I had sex with my brothers boss convinced my whole work place I was gay(I still kind of think I am) and then I hit on this one guy who I thought was gay that I worked with he was cool about how crazy I am lol. Poor guy. Also I’m “out of the closet” to everyone in my life. The one before that lasted months and I totalled 3 vehicles and damaged 2 more. Spent all my money and got robbed hanging out with strangers I felt I knew. I just roll with it I know I don’t mean anyone or myself any harm. Even though I’ll say te craziest shit. Then when I’m depressed I’ll stall important thing like cashing checks paying bills, getting out of bed. I usually just start drinking red bulls that seems to help.
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