Things I’ve Done While Manic by MichelleLH
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17. At that time, I went three days without sleep and doing bizarre things so my parents brought me to the ER. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for about a month. I don’t remember a lot of things during that time. However, I know that I was very confused and disoriented. Some of that could have been the medications I was taking, including Haldol. I would go into other people’s rooms thinking they were mine, believed that I was Jesus, had an abnormal belief in God, said hurtful things to the people I loved, and the list goes on. It was very hard being in high school and knowing people at school knew I was “crazy.”
Since that first hospitalization, I have been admitted to a psychiatric hospital in excess of 20 times. The most recent time was about 4 months ago and I stayed for ten days. It is a constant battle. My case is complicated because I am so sensitive to the meds and we have to watch that I don’t react to anything new. I suffered from tardive dyskenisia (involuntary movement of tongue and head) and dystonia (my head was “attached” to my chest for 4 months).
I used to try and hide that I had this illness. Many of the things I have done I am ashamed of. However, I have learned to put them in the past and have just had to realize those things I would not have done if I was stable. I am sharing things here that I don’t tell just anyone.
List (not in any sort of order) of thing I have done.
- I got off the bus with a guy I had just met and travelled around together using my parent’s credit card. The FBI was looking for me as there were sex rings at the time where my family knew where I had gotten off the bus.
- Written letters to many people I regret.
- Telling my church and others that I was running for President of the United States
- Thinking I was John the Baptist or Jesus
- Spending thousands of dollars I did not have
- Travelling around with a guy friend who totally took advantage of me spending all my money- Family encouraged now ex- guy friend to stop, but he totally took advantage of my manic state.
- not slept for several days in a row
- become very religious and done things I normally wouldn’t do because I thought God was telling me to do them
- hurt my family and friends by saying hurtful things (poor judgement) This is the thing I regret the most. I am very lucky to have a family who for the most part really supports me and loves me unconditionally.
- I have done my testimony three different times revealing things I probably wouldn’t have if I was not manic
- While in the hospital, I get myself into trouble sometimes because I fight for what is right. I have been mistreated so many times and have seen other patients mistreated as well. I fight for what is right. Oftentimes, staff members do things that go against the Patient’s Bill of Rights.
- I called Hillary Clinton and left a message that I wanted to be the first female President of the U.S. (This was when she was running for President.) From a young age, I felt like God wanted me to be so I told her that in the message I left.
- I have turned many people off because I talk too much and too quickly.
- I, unfortunately, have burned a lot of bridges over the years. I have come to the realization that it is not fair for anyone to go thru what I put them thru. However, I do have some great friends who always are there to support me. A lot of the other friendships that were lost was mainly because I was too embarrassed from things I had done. Yes, some left because they couldn’t handle my illness. However, I think mostly, it was me.
- The list goes on, but that is enough for now. Thanks for reading this. If you would like to share your story or talk about the crazy things you have done while manic, please email me at email@example.com If you want me to, I will post whatever you send me on my blog. (Please specify if this is what you want or not in your email.
The struggle with my mania and depression continues daily. I currently have a great doctor and still have a very supportive family and boyfriend. These things help a lot. However, there are still days when I just think, “Why me?” or “I hate my life.” That is the unfortunate thing about this illness. The depression following a manic episode can be wicked depending on how long I was manic, etc.
If you are struggling with mania or depression, I hope that you continue to fight the fight! Let me know if I can answer any questions or help in any way.