Beware: This is a rather bleak blog, but felt that the reality needed to be spoken.
Overall, I would have to say the worst thing about it is feeling isolated and losing friends. I am blessed with a husband and family who supports me, but I know many people are not so lucky. I was blessed to have 25 years of going to college and working full-time jobs where I met a lot of people. I yearn for those times again.
Secondly, the depression part is hard. Trying to push yourself to get out of bed, take a shower, let alone go anywhere out of the house can be terrifying. I find myself having a conversation with my self that I hate my life and then I say back do something about it and then from that point, I can’t get enough energy to do anything.
Thirdly, the manic episodes wear me out and I dread them. Some people say they like them, but I absolutely hate the feeling of racing thoughts, the energy that I use to do stupid things with. I seem to channel some of that energy into getting the house really clean, etc. However, for the most part, no matter how many safeguards I have in place, I can’t seem to keep a budget or do things that are embarrassing later.
Fourth, the hospitalizations that I have experienced have been AWFUL!
Then, there is the judgment and the people who find out I have bipolar disorder one way or the other and they never look at me the same again. I told a neighbor I trusted I had it and she therefore told a few others and it destroyed me having a chance to be outside without feeling humiliated. I say to myself and even to others, don’t care what they think, but it is hard not to do so.
Although the stigma has gotten better, people still don’t understand the illness. They judge you, don’t try to understand you, they just stay away.
There is some hopelessness in there too as when medications don’t seem to work and you keep cycling, you have to wonder if it is ever going to end.
The bad things might not end today, but things will get better eventually. I promise. If you need help call the suicide helpline.
Picture Credit: Doxycycline on DeviantArt