I do everything I can to not get manic, but sometimes it creeps in. Those who love me know that and I am lucky as that is better than most people have.
Yes- I am responsible for the things I do while manic, but people who know me and that I have this illness understand that it was “not me” doing those things. They know if I was not manic, I would not have done them.
When I do things while manic, I am not thinking of the consequences. I just am doing them. When my world is rocked and I come back to myself again, I am almost always depressed. Part of what causes me to be depressed is feeling badly and embarrassed about the things I did while manic.
I hate myself for my irrational behavior and that pulls me deeper into depression.
The trick for me is to not get manic as I regret almost everything I do while manic. Unfortunately, it sometimes creeps in no matter what I do.
I said yes I am responsible for the things I did while manic, but at the same time, I have to ease up on myself and know that I was sick when I did them and not be so hard on myself. Making amends to people I have hurt is one thing I try to do. The money I have spent on things I don’t need, I return as much of it as I can. I somehow can hide my mania from a lot of people so they don’t know. I try and act as normal as I can when I am manic. I held down jobs this way. No one knew I had bipolar disorder unless I told them and when I did, they were shocked.
The best things I can do is to prevent myself from getting manic by getting enough sleep, eating right, confiding with people I trust when I think I am spiraling out of control, seeing my doctor, watching my stress level, exercising on a regular basis and taking my medicine. When I am depressed which is most of the time, it is hard to motivate myself to do these things, however.
So- I am responsible for what I do when I am manic. However, I am not usually to blame for getting manic as I have already stated that I do everything I can to prevent it. I have stated that I am responsible for everything I do, but at the same time, I am not sure I should be held accountable too much to those who love and care about me as they know about my struggles. Yes- I still make amends with them and I am sure they probably get sick of it, like I do, but I am lucky that they love me unconditionally and forgive me. I know that they struggle right along with me.
I realize I was a little wishy-washy there, but that is because as easy it is to say I am accountable, if I take that on with a full heart, I would never come out of depression.
One piece of advice, is yes take responsibility, but don’t dwell on the past and right as many wrongs as soon as possible.
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