I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17 and had struggled with depression since I was 13. I can look back on the days where I was very outgoing, was the presidents of a bunch of groups at school, got great grades, had a wonderful home life, was proud of who I was and the way I looked. I went on to graduate from college, was a manager of a movie theater, a trainer at Walt Disney World and even was Teacher of the Year in 2003. This was all during the time I was struggling with bipolar disorder.
Was that the normal me? When was the normal me showing through? I am not sure what is normal and what is mania and what is depressed. When I have been depressed for a long time, sometimes months at a time where I completely isolate myself, and I come out of that depression, am I hypomanic, manic, or just being myself.
I definitely know when I am manic or have been as when I come out I can see what havoc I have caused and often will have been in the psychiatric ward.
However, there is almost a happy medium that I just can’t find. What is the normal me? Will I ever know? I hope so and soon as I am nearing my 50s and hope that not only the struggles of the ups and downs can end, but I will know who I was and am before I die. I want others who know me to know who I am and what to put in my obituary. If I were to write my own obituary right now ( I am not suicidal, just making a point), I would have to just say Michelle had bipolar disorder and at a young age when she knew who she was accomplished a lot, but no one knew who she really was before she died, including herself.