Guest Post: Briefly Me by Scott Martin

 

 

I’m Scott. I am 32 , from Lincolnshire Uk , Married  , 2 kids , a chef .. And one other major thing in my life .. Bipolar Disorder…

 

 

 Have I always had bipolar disorder? Hmm… I don’t know.  They says signs show from the ages of 18 -25 .. So if I said one of one of my earliest memories is that I flew down my stairs ,( I can actually visually see myself floating down the stairs now ) my wife laughs when I tell her it happened, perhaps she humors me , but I can tell you .. It happened!! .fullstop Pychosis ? 

Caused by trauma?? .. My childhood was good until I was 9 , my older brother at 16 was hit by car that flung him into a bus that he was catching on a wet night after his shift had finished. This had a massive effect on my life , not only did I lose my brother , but also nothing has ever been the same since. My family had depression written all over them, i can remember thinking then it should of been me , at one point i thought i was him or was that down to me acting like him , thinking about him to much , or wearing his clothes to try  and be him .. I dunno I’m rambling but guess I had a trauma

I guess the real signs of bipolar disorder came when i met my beautiful wife , my highs and lows when i think about them now was there , we had 4 houses in just over 3 years , i ran up so much debt with taking out cards thinking i could get away with not paying them , nothing was ever right, i had many moments of being horrible to my wife , i just couldn’t find a way to control my thoughts which led to the only way for me to release them was to be  nasty and irritable i guess. Problem then i would sink into depression , laying on the settee while the world , my children grew .., but my marriage was failing ..

I think I have this bipolar thing I said .. It must of been 3am in the morning when Iwoke my wife , this was back in 2009, the whole Stacy Slater bipolar Eastenders storyline had been on, I sat going through the symptoms and guess there and then diagnosed myself.

4 years passed.. I didn’t do anything about my new discovery of bipolar disorder , in fact I was in denial , in them years we once again moved , I had bought cars in middle of the night , i started to believe I could draw the dead, like a spiritual artist , I was still having highs and lows but more extreme. I did try medication , anti depressants from my gp but no referral , I was a mess.

Jan 2013 .. A breakthrough came after my ever supportive wife came with me to my GP , i got referred , with  cyclothymia being mentioned as a reason for moods
I didn’t really recognize myself I was 17 stone plus , unhappy but new that this referral was key , 2 trips over a period of 3 months to the people of ill brains , mood charts and conversations  , i was given the diagnosis of Bipolar 2 Disorder with further assessments.

 

May 2015 .. So my diagnosis had been well over a year well 2 , in Jan that year  , i thought i was well , i had tried medication, they made me gain weight , made me feel numb , i decided to stop taking medication, self help and manage bipolar myself , even discharging myself from psychiatric care , 5 months later a new women came into my life

Annie Lennox .. I was stupid not to recognize a manic episode, but to me I was well / ish .. When I go high I control rapid thoughts via music , for some reason i fount my love for Annie, she was there to block my thoughts and for the first time i had not knowing developed psychosis type symptoms , the more i listened continuously to her songs i new i had been chosen, the lyrics , the videos , the way she looked at the cameras in the videos was for me it all came in place for I was not Scott , well I  was but not in 2015 , i was meant to be in the 80’s living my life , if i went in shops her music would be on , it was just her sign to show she was with me , at work on the radio again with me, after a good few weeks I decided to tell my wife about my discovery

Back to the mental health unit , my wife knew I had became unwell , my boss got told and I was signed off work, thinking back now I was a danger to myself , and should of perhaps been sectioned or at least gone in voluntary  , thankfully  like a jigsaw my wife pieced me back together , but also said to me you need medication or find away for it to not happen again , she was frightened I was still high , but it hit home

The time off work  I managed to get myself down a few levels , i had a new appointment back in place to discuss medications , I also fount myself being given the chance to take part of a follow up Stephen Fry life of a manic depressive documentary , I owned the first one , it helped me and my wife so much and being part of the new one was very important to me , if my story gave comfort or awareness to one person it would make me feel happy

The filming soon  came around and at the time I had chosen lithium as my choose of medication to control me. Still with the diagnosis of Bipolar 2 , after blood tests I began my lithium , starting on 400mg I started to feel a lot better , my mind felt clear , no zombie feelings , a month later I had it increased to 800mg as the levels were not quite high enough to work as it should. The 2nd part of filming had finished , being more well I knew I had done the right thing in trying to end the stigma of bipolar, the producers ,   was such nice people.

Present Day .. I’m now on 1200mg of lithium daily , the documentary has been aired and the supportive feedback blew me away being on tv was very surreal  , at this moment I feel really high and have been told to stay off work for 3 days to try and get rest in ,I still believe in lithium , but one thing I am now passionate about making mental health more aware , deciding to write daily mood blog I feel will help me and hopefully give others comfort too.

Check out his BLOG and Twitter page

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