This is me , im Scott 32 , from Lincolnshire Uk , Married , 2 kids , a chef .. And one other major thing in my life .. Bipolar Disorder…
What brings me writing this ??
- Maybe im imspired by others
- Maybe after being in a documentry, seeing positive feedback i want to share more of my so called bipolar life
- Or am i just turning manic ?
Have i always had bipolar? Hmm dunno they says signs show from the ages of 18 -25 .. So if i said one of one of my earliest memories is that i flew down my stairs ,( i can actually visually see myself floating down the stairs now ) my wife laughs when i tell her it happened, perhaps she humours me , but i can tell you .. It happened!! .fullstopPychosis ? Well i dunno ..
Caused by trauma?? .. My childhood was good untill i was 9 , my older brother at 16 was hit by car that flung him into a bus that he was catching on a wet night after his shift had finished. This had amassive effect on my life , not only did i loose my brother , but also nothing has ever been the same since. My family had depression written all over them, i can remember thinking then it should of been me , at one point i thought i was him or was that down to me acting like him , thinking about him to much , or wearing his clothes to try and be him .. I dunno im rambling but guess i had a trauma
I guess the real signs of bipolar disorder came when i met my beautiful wife , my highs and lows when i think about them now was there , we had 4 houses in just over 3 years , i ran up so much debt with taking out cards thinking i could get away with not paying them , nothing was ever right, i had many moments of being horrible to my wife , i just couldnt find a way to control my thoughts which led to the only way for me to release them was to be nasty and irritable i guess. Problem then i would sink into depression , laying on the settee while the world , my children grew .., but my marriage was failing ..
I think i have this bipolar thing i said .. It must of been 3am in the morning when i woke my wife , this was back in 2009, the whole stacy slater bipolar eastenders storyline had been on, i sat going through the symptons and guess there and then diagnosed myself.
4 years passed.. I didnt do anything about my new discovery of bipolar disorder , infact i was in denial , in them years we once again moved , i had bought cars in middle of the night , i started to believe i could draw the dead, like a spirtual artist , i was still having highs and lows but more extreame. I did try medication , anti depressants from my gp but no referal , i was a mess.
Jan 2013 .. A breakthrough came after my ever supportive wife came with me to my GP , i got referred , with cyclothymia being mentioned as a reason for moods
I didnt really recongise myself i was 17 stone plus , unhappy but new that this referal was key , 2 trips over a period of 3 months to the people of ill brains , mood charts and conversations , i was given the diagnosis of Bipolar 2 Disorder with further assements.
May 2015 .. So my diagnosis had been well over a year well 2 , in Jan that year , i thought i was well , i had tried medication, they made me gain weight , made me feel numb , i decided to stop taking medication, self help and manage bipolar myself , even discharging myself from psychiatric care , 5 months later a new women came into my life
Annie Lennox .. I was stupid not to reconise a manic episode, but to me i was well / ish .. When i go high i control rapid thoughts via music , for some reason i fount my love for annie, she was there to block my thoughts and for the first time i had not knowing developed pychosis type symptons , the more i listened continuously to her songs i new i had been chosen, the lyrics , the videos , the way she looked at the camaras in the videos was for me it all came in place for I was not scott , well i was but not in 2015 , i was meant to be in the 80’s living my life , if i went in shops her music would be on , it was just her sign to show she was with me , at work on the radio again with me, after a good few weeks i decided to tell my wife about my discovery
Back to the mental health unit , my wife new i had became unwell , my boss got told and i was signed off work, thinking back now i was a danger to myself , and should of perhaps been sectioned or at least gone in voluntary , thankfully like a jigsaw my wife pieced me back together , but also said to me you need medication or find away for it to not happen again , she was frightend i was still high , but it hit home
The time off work i managed to get myself down a few levels , i had a new appoinment back in place to discuss medications , i also fount myself being given the chance to take part of a follow up stephen fry life of a manic depressive documentry , i owned the first one , it helped me and my wife so much and being part of the new one was very important to me , if my story gave comfort or awareness to one person it would make me feel happy
The filming soon came around and at the time i had chosen lithium as my choose of medication to control me. Still with the diagnosis of Bipolar 2 , after blood tests i began my lithuum , starting on 400mg i started to feel a lot better , my mind felt clear , no zombie feelings , a month later i had it increased to 800mg as the levels were not quite high enough to work as it should. The 2nd part of filming had finished , being more well i new i had done the right thing in trying to end the stigma of bipolar, the producers , filmcrew was such nice people.
Present Day .. Im now on 1200mg of lithium daily , the documentry has been aired and the supportive feedback blew me away being on tv was very surreal , at this moment i feel really high and have been told to stay off work for 3 days to try and get rest in , i still believe in lithium , but one thing i am now passionate about making mental health more aware , deciding to write daily mood blog i feel will help me and hopfully give others comfort too.