From as far back as I can remember the terms anorexic, depressed, anxious, and addicted were terms I carried like a noose around my neck – stifling me, preventing me from living a ‘normal’ happy life and leaving a trail of painful memories.
I was diagnosed with anorexia at twelve years old. By fourteen I was diagnosed with clinical depression and had also started drinking. By seventeen my doctor told me I was going to die if I carried on drinking the way I was. I managed to keep the drinking somewhat under control until I was twenty three, coupled with Aropax, but the depression was too much to bear and two months after my twenty third birthday I tried to end my life.
I failed – and spent the next thirteen years trying to overcome underlying depression coupled with anxiety. I worked with counsellors, psychiatrists and therapists. I read every self help book I could find, and I managed to reach a space where I could live ‘normally’ but I still lived in an inner world of pain and unhappiness. I refused to go back onto medication, and I took herbal supplements which helped. These were Kava Kava and St Johns Wort. I also used Bach Flower Remedies which were very helpful.
Then in 2014 I immigrated to the UK. The big move, coupled with other unforeseen events saw me plummet back into a world of panic attacks, deep depression and an endless sense of hopelessness.
I knew something had to change, and so what I did was I put pen to paper and I wrote my story. It was the most incredible journey I have ever been on. As I wrote I was literally taken back to early childhood in my mind and I saw clearly the core beliefs I had set in childhood and how they had mapped the path I walked from there.
When I got towards the last part of the book I started working with a coach who introduced me to something called the 3 Principles – a paradigm that points to the true nature of how our reality is created by our thinking. The more I learnt and studied these principles, which are mind, consciousness and thought, the more I started to see my life and the labels I had in a completely different way. I began to heal. Not just in a superficial way, but on a deep level. I also began to see that although I had suffered severe depression and other mental disorders there was always a part of me that was not broken. That realisation was life changing for me.
For nearly thirty years I had believed I was not normal, that I was broken, that I was ‘ill’ mentally and that it was something I had to live with forever.
The 3 principles showed me a new way of seeing myself, my illness, and my external world.
I still get depressed, I still get anxious, but now I can see where the feelings are coming from and I don’t get so caught up in them.
I see my mind, my thinking and my feelings like the weather. Sometimes the sky is clear and I have happy thoughts. But sometimes there is a frightening storm and my inner world is very dark. But I remember that it is only a storm, and that it will pass, and soon enough the dark thoughts leave and I feel happy again. Its only if I see the thoughts as ‘me’ that I get stuck.
I finished my book, and I published my story to give hope to others. If you would like to read it, or get the first few chapters, please Belinda’s Book: Fear to Love and go to the bottom of the page.
Sending you so much love on your journey,