Before I continue telling my story, I want you to know that obviously parts of my life have been skipped and some of them are rather significant. The things that have had the most impact on my life, however, have been my manic episodes and that is why I seem to be talking the most about them.
However, I do want to point out that I spent most of my life depressed. There were many days I would think about how I just wish it would all end. I didn’t enjoy anything in life. I felt guilty and ashamed. Somehow, I was able to work. However, I would just come home and wouldn’t do anything. The medications I took were more mania. I could not take medications for depression as they could trigger a manic episode.
I do not let my illness define me. I also don’t think I should use it as an excuse as to the mistakes I have made and will make. However, some of the things that had the most impact in my life were when I got manic.
I oftentimes feel ashamed, embarassed and guilty. I do know that I would not have done them if I was not in a manic episode. It helps in some ways. However, it is really hard to deal with. Over time, I am able to put them in my past and move on. I just want to point out too that after a manic episode, I would crash into a deep depression. The longer I was manic, the worse the depression was.
Because I try to move on, I think I also make the choice to move on from friendships. For the longest time, I had convinced myself that I lost friendships because they didn’t want to have anything to do with me after they saw me act so crazily.
I am sure there were some people who were like that. However, I think in many cases, it was my insecurities that prevented me from keeping those friendships.
Either way, I don’t have many friends who know all about me, seen me at my worst and still are close friends. Unfortunately. I don’t even have close relationships with some of my own family members.
For my full story: